Preschool sleep: Setting your kids up for sleep success
As your child gets older, their sleep needs change. The number of hours they sleep usually varies as well. Also, most preschoolers may stop taking naps. On average, your preschooler’s sleep drops to about 10 to 13 hours, including naps. By age 4 years, they may start dropping their daytime naps. When it comes to getting your preschooler the restful sleep they need, patience and consistency are key. If they attend preschool, it is helpful to work with their teachers to maintain a consistent schedule. In this blog, I discuss the sleep goals for your preschooler as well as address common sleep problems in this age group.
Sleep Training Basics for 2 Years and Older
Create a Schedule: Make this based on their sleep needs and preschool or daycare timing. A typical rule of thumb is that they wake up around 6 am to 7:30 am. They may have lunch around noon or 12:30 pm, and if they are still napping, they may go down from 1 pm to 3 pm. Even if they are not napping, they can have some quiet time around then. As their nap needs decrease, you can start moving bedtime earlier. For example, if your 3-year-old previously went to bed at 8:30 pm and is no longer napping, you can move bedtime to 7:30 pm. I recommend doing this gradually, moving earlier by every 15 minutes. Another clue is seeing how long it takes for them to fall asleep. For example, if they are already dozing off during their bedtime routine or falling asleep before you even get a chance to leave the room, that's a sign to make bedtime a bit earlier. This schedule helps you know when to start their bedtime routine.
Have a Consistent Bedtime Routine: This should consist of two to four calming and relaxing activities moving in the direction of the bedroom. The less complex, the better. Avoid any stimulating or scary activities. Limit any electronic device use about 60 minutes before bedtime. The typical duration of the routine should be about 20 to 45 minutes (45 minutes if it includes a bath). Give them a heads-up of what is coming up next. You can say things like, at 7:10 pm, we will go upstairs and brush our teeth. An alternative, since they may not be able to tell the time, is to use a clock that changes color. Here is an example of an "ok to wake" clock.
Components of Your Bedtime Routine:
Nutrition: light snack
Hygiene: e.g., bathroom, brush teeth, bath, PJs
Bonding: reading a book, singing, cuddling, prayer, gratitude
You can create a visual schedule to make these steps easy to follow and predictable.
Stick to Bedtime but Be Ready to Make Shifts as Needed: You determine how much sleep your child needs based on age. As they get older, their sleep needs change. To determine the number of sleep hours your child needs, check here. Based on this, you can work your way backward. Start with their average wake-up time. For example, if your 3-year-old typically wakes at about 7 am, they should be asleep by 8:30 pm. Working backward, your routine should start around 8 pm. This is an average, and you may need 30 minutes more or less depending on how tired they are or how long it takes them to fall asleep.
How to Tell if Your Child is Ready for Bed
This is an art that takes time to learn. Every child shows signs of sleepiness, which could be subtle at times. While some children may tell you they are sleepy and ready for bed, this is the exception rather than the rule. Some tell-tale signs of sleepiness in your preschooler include:
Yawning
Rubbing eyes
Increased fussiness
Throwing more tantrums or appearing more irritable
Hyperactivity
Dozing off during the bedtime routine
Sometimes that burst of energy you see with your child may signify that they are overtired. It is also called the second wind. This probably means you missed their sleepy cues and it may be harder to get them to sleep. Pay attention to when you start noticing these cues and try to get them to bed a bit earlier the next day.
Handling Limit Setting at Bedtime
With developmental changes, your preschooler is likely to test your limits around bedtime. This is totally expected. The key to getting through this phase is maintaining consistency. If your toddler typically wants you present for them to fall asleep, you are likely dealing with sleep onset association.
We all have sleep associations. Basically, these are things or conditions we need to be present for us to fall asleep or stay asleep. For us as adults, it may be a pillow, blanket, or reading to sleep. For your child, it may be falling asleep with a bottle, being rocked, or laid next to. If this is happening, yet they are able to sleep through the night, it may not be an issue. If, on the other hand, they are waking up at night and require those specific steps in order to fall asleep, it would be worth addressing.
We all wake up at night as we cycle through different stages, however, our brains make associations, so whatever you need to fall asleep would be needed to ensure sleep continuity.
To break your child’s sleep associations and replace them with positive ones, I recommend considering the following. As every child is different, I recommend that you pick what would work best for your child. Every method works, the main issue is consistency.
Decrease Time Spent with Them
If you are with your child until they fall asleep, you can start slowly decreasing the time you spend with them. For example, after their routine, if you typically stay for about 20 minutes till they fall asleep, announce that you will only stay for 15 minutes and leave when the time comes. Do this for 2 or 3 nights and decrease it further to 10 minutes and then 5 minutes. To limit any argument, you can set a timer and once it goes off, tell them the timer said it’s time (so you don’t look like the bad guy, blame the timer!)
Take Some Breaks: Once you are done with the routine and your child is in bed, stay a few minutes and let them know you need to “run an errand” and will be back. This can be as short or as long as your child can tolerate. I recommend starting with just a few minutes and coming right back. You can go and do things like, take a sip of water, use the bathroom. As time away gets longer, you can load the dishwasher, unload the laundry. The idea is increasing the time away gradually. When you come back, make a big deal of your child staying in their bed! The key here is building trust and always coming back. This decreases the likelihood of them coming out of the room to look for you. Set a timer if you need to so you’re not distracted by the errand.
Sleep Fairy: Have you heard of the sleep fairy? Well, they are friends with the tooth fairy. They come during the night and leave a prize under the pillow for any child that stays in their bed all night. This needs some effort on your part to put the prize under their pillow but it works quite well.
Stickers and Other Rewards: This is similar to the sleep fairy except you do the presenting. Ensure they will be able to get the first few stickers to keep the motivation going. Keep the reward small and be ready to mix things up in case they start getting bored. Some examples are prizes from the dollar store. You can also consider other family-oriented prizes like helping you make breakfast, picking their favorite cereal, or spending some extra time at the park.
Fading Method: This is also sometimes called the chair method. Essentially, you are gradually fading your presence from the bedroom. What this involves is that you bring a chair and sit next to your child’s bed until they fall asleep. After a few days, start moving the chair toward the door and within a week or so (depending on the size of the room or how fast you want to move), you should be at the door and eventually out of sight. Your child will, of course, consider your presence as an opportunity to engage in conversation. It is important to minimize interaction as much as possible. If you keep responding, they are more likely to take longer to fall asleep. Keep the room nice and dark and respond in a boring voice. “Night night”, I love you, or whatever response you choose.
What Do You Do About the Night Wakings?
Until your child is able to fall asleep independently, I recommend doing whatever you need for everyone to get back to sleep. It’s hard for any learning to occur in the middle of the night and I would rather have you focus on getting them to fall asleep at bedtime. Within a few days to weeks of falling asleep independently, children are usually able to put themselves back to sleep when they wake in the middle of the night. It’s better to focus on one part of the night so you don’t stretch yourself thin.
How Can We Ensure Good Sleep Success?
Consistency, Consistency, Consistency: Did I mention consistency? It is really important to stick with your response at bedtime. If we have varying responses, it sends our children the message that they just need to be persistent enough to have their way.
Rely on Your Tribe: At times, the process of sleep training your child could be overwhelming. I suggest having a spouse or partner take on some parts of the routine.
Mix Things Up: While I want you to be as consistent as possible, be willing to be creative. Come up with different ideas for the reward system, for instance. Find what works for you. Speak to their school or daycare to identify what works there as well.
Avoid Sneaky Naps: As much as possible, try to prevent your toddler from sneaking a nap in. I see this a lot with kids who take a power nap on their way home from daycare. Things could get tricky because even a 15-minute nap may be enough to push their bedtime until very late and can make things quite challenging for you.
Be Kind to Yourself: Engage in self-care. Prioritize your own sleep as well. When you take care of yourself, you are able to care best for your child.
Once your child is able to learn to sleep independently, realize you are investing in their health, growth, and learning. If you have ongoing concerns, consider consulting a sleep specialist or visiting a sleep clinic. A pediatric sleep specialist or a sleep therapist can provide valuable guidance tailored to your child's needs. In some cases, a sleep study might be recommended to rule out any underlying issues that could be disrupting their ability to sleep well. Ensuring your child gets sound sleep is crucial for their overall well-being and development. So, be patient and stay consistent; your efforts will lead to better sleep for your child and a more restful sleep for the whole family.
Interested in additional sleep support? Learn more about Sleep Coaching and our Private Practice The Restful Sleep Place.
